The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize