You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The power of my boobs compel you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
