Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
