so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just high enough for therapy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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