"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
