I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
