You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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