She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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