A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
