shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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