they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
