I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize