I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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