My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
