Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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