Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
