I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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