I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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