i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize