Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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