I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My cat gives me a boner
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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