I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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