So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
