He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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