he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
