I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
