Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
