my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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