I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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