Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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