Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
