You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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