Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
