He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
