The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
