what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
