um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
