My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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