Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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