I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
