Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
