At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
