Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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