I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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