WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
