O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
