I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
