i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize