the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
