Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
