She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
