Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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