kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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