I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
