If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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