I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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