i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
