I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
