no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
